“I didn’t choose the Hunt life, the Hunt life chose me”
I’ve set a new record this week for both how hard I’ve studied for a single exam and for how many hours I clocked in at the library. Exam preparation added up to around 35 hours over 4 days and Club Hunt studying sessions added up to 50 hours over 5 days. Normally, I would never have done this, I’m usually the first to call it quits when studying and go sleep or go for a run or do anything else. This time was different, I didn’t want to get frustrated with the work I was doing, I didn’t want to get grouchy because of the work, and I just smiled (almost) the whole way through. It may have been because I had a week beforehand to do nothing and just hang around in London and it let my brain relieve all its tensions.
And to be fair, it kind of sucked having to go to the library everyday, but it was also a great time because of the people I was struggling together with. We basically held down 3 tables in the library 24/7 to be able to study together and bond in our semi-misery.
I could write something about how outlook is everything and it having a good outlook makes life better, but we all know that’s difficult to do and not entirely true, because if you get shot in the chest, I don’t think a good outlook is necessarily going to stop the hemorrhaging. Great, so what are you going to write about after these three shitty intro paragraphs?
Fantastic question. Personal revelations and changes, as always.
It’s a rare thing when an un-materialized, vague thought in your head is put into words by another person. When it does happen, it stays on your mind. Someone close to me told me a while ago, “You need to stop running from your problems.”
And that thought hasn’t left my head because of the stark truth behind it. When things don’t go right for me or I can see the potential for failing, I ignore the problem and let it fall by the wayside. It may not even be the potential for failing that scares me so much as the opportunity of success. Still though, instead of working through the difficulties and facing the challenges I turn tail, and that has resulted in me failing to learn so many lessons I should’ve learned long ago. Now I’m working to throw myself into the challenges and not quitting like I have so oft in the past, just like this past week. I wasn’t going to content myself with letting the potential for getting an A instead of a C in a class slide by me, and it was grueling but I gave it my best effort, something I haven’t been able to say in a long, long time. Applying that to the rest of my life is going to be hard, but it’ll be good in the long run even if I don’t enjoy it.
As I’ve written about before, a lot of my poetry is inspired by music in addition to other works and reflections I have. There’s this one quote from a song I’ve grown fond of.
You go wherever you go today
It’s to the point and simple. It’s the concept that every action defines us and is who we are.
Here’s two songs that inspired the poem below.
The second line has the word “incongruous” which I kind of like and kind of don’t, so I’ll figure it out in a later revision.
I’ve also been experiencing this strange phenomenon of waking up at 3AM every night for no reason and just being awake for 30 minutes before sleeping again. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, especially because I don’t feel tired the next day. I actually like it because it’s just 30 minutes where I have nothing to do but think while I’m all alone with no distractions. Maybe it’s just my brain needing it’s time to relax from the long study days.
This post has veered in a completely different direction, hasn’t it?
The other day I walked to our usual table in the library (surprise) and saw my friend was there. She looked at me and said “You always look so put together.” It so happened that on that day I was dressed up in suit pants/black/shoes/blazer/tie because it was the 15th anniversary of my fraternity’s charter on campus. But I thought to myself, and told her, I’m not put together, I never am. My life is constantly revolving clusterfuck of everything and anything. Now that I think about, it’s like a galaxy, beautiful from far away but a hot mess inside with mostly empty space. Speaking of hot messes, I know a lot of people who push for people to be always “authentic” with each other and share their struggles and issues and problems. I don’t think that’s the best thing. We can’t be always authentic and honest, we need to take care and deliberation and craft our persona in certain ways and open up when it’s necessary or appropriate. We need to be our own pretty galaxies (#extendedmetaphors) and come across as put together. It can’t just be a veil, it needs to be a solid castle that both you and I can affix ourselves to when we think of me. If I open the doors into the castle, than great, you can now experience my life in ways that will make you question how I’m still functional, alive, and not a total asshole.
While I’ve known that life is all about people, the significance of that prioritization hasn’t had much of an impact on me until recently. I can do anything so long as the people I’m with are great, which is how I got through this past week. Along with my friend Allen rubbing off on me, I’ve realized that it’s the normal people who I have to watch out for. They’re the ones that are boring and have nothing to offer, they’re the ones caught up in the social scene, they’re the ones that mean nothing to me.
And that’s me being overly critical again. Allen tells me I should be a critic. I think between Allen’s judgmental nature and strong opinions and my overly critical nature and lack of tact we’d be the least pleasant people to hang out with. But somehow we have friends.
And in the end friends are all that matter and I need to put more effort into them.
I wish everybody knew what’s so great about you.
Good morning and good night.